the secret for deep emotional connection

Welcome to Part 4 of The Art of Truth video series!

In today’s video I will reveal the most important thing to remember when you communicate from this level of truth. It is the foundation for deep emotional connection with others.  

Knowing, expressing and communicating our truth is essential for our wellbeing.

How we do it is a skill. And skills can be learned.

Mastering the art of Truth is an important part of my work—I help people to find, voice and live their truth, so they can have better relationships and enjoy more fulfilling life. I facilitate workshops and trainings that teach people useful communication skills, to help them relate authentically.

In the upcoming The Art of Truth weekend training, we will be practicing the important skills of truthful communication that create deeper connection and can improve any relationship. Including yours.

 

speaking your truth is a habit

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As children, or as young adults we learned that to say the truth can be damaging or dangerous. We learned to withhold the truth, keep it in, sugarcoat it, say white lies or bluntly lie to protect others, or to shield ourselves from others’ anger…

Sharing your truth while staying connected to your heart’s truest desires is the focus of my work, and the key to the way I teach authentic relating. When working with me my clients learn (and practice) how to express in order to create connection and support closeness. I help them unlearn outdated habits and to discover why saying what’s true in each moment is preferable to withdrawal and disconnect.

You too can learn to navigate the depths of your shadow and shine light on what needs to be transformed. You too will know what to do when communication is infected by control dynamics. 

Attending to reality in a discerning, present and masterful way is a key to creating genuine connection and successful relationships. And this is at the foundation of working with me.

 

exploring your truth   

For me telling the truth is a spiritual practice.

Developing awareness of what’s true for us is the first step that opens the door to living authentically. To me this means aligning with our soul and honoring the whole Self.

In this 5-minute video I outline the two aspects of Level One of telling the truth.

See what resonates with you.

I have to be honest with you

I have to be honest with you. I've started making videos–and it's frightening.

Showing up on video is a huge stretch for me. I am more used to being behind the camera, not in front of it.
 
I’m an introvert. I’m super-sensitive, self-conscious and camera-shy. 
English is not my native language and I sometimes stumble to find the right words. Staring at the single eye of a camera and speaking into The Void is terrifying to me.
 
And yet I’m doing this. Because I find that video provides more direct ways to share, experience and learn. And I'm all about expanding into new territories, stepping into the frightening Unknown, taking risks that help me grow, learn, and find more effective ways to contribute.

This is my truth, and I am glad you are part of it.

3 factors for a great relationship

Commitment:

both participants recognize the benefit and value of the relationship and are determined to make it work.

 

Authenticity:

requires honesty and candor on both sides. sincere care and genuinely expressed appreciation will be quickly perceived and will accelerate the evolving relationship.

 

Communication:

authentic communication that serves the connection will help convey the other two factors

2017— a year of letting go

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For me 2017 was a year of letting go. A year of challenges and changes of all sorts. I let go of my lover. I let go of a city I once loved. I let go of my home of 18 years. I let go of most of my possessions.

I let go of pride and hubris. I let go of some teachers, so new ones can appear and teach me what I don’t know yet. I let go of some judgments and outdated models of the world.

I let go of things, reactions and responses that gave me the illusion of comfort and protection. I let go of habitual ways of being that aren’t aligned with who I have become. I stretched myself waaaaaaaaaay beyond my already over-stretched comfort zone.

I let go of much that I loved. And some circumstances and people let go of me. In 2017 I faced the demon of rejection—multiple times. I learned that when I reach out for what’s not meant to be mine, or try to hold onto what I've already outgrown, change might look, feel and taste like rejection. It's painful and it sucks. Yet, I learned that what we call rejection is simply a way in which life rearranges itself.

2017 was a year of rearrangements for me. A year of re-seeing, rethinking and regrouping. In 2017 I let old structures fall apart. And now there is room for new paradigms and more rewarding experiences to unfold.

I bow in gratitude for 2017. For she brought a lot of gifts. And I welcome 2018 with the clear intention to experience more miracles, beauty and benevolent manifestations of all sorts.

2018 is for re-emerging. I'll be rising from the ashes—brighter than ever before.

Happy 2018, my friends! May it be a year of glorious new beginnings for all of us. May it be a year of miracles, fulfillment and heart-felt joy!

 

 

is leadership a role?

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A friend and a fellow Circling facilitator recently shared that when he's leading he cannot be himself. He thinks that being a leader is a role. I did not want to begin a dispute, so I said nothing—even though something in this statement did not land as true for me.

In the next few days, I continued thinking of what he said, so I decided to explore the topic and find out what it is for me to be a facilitator and a community leader.

So here is what feels true for me: being a leader is NOT a role.

In fact, while Circling, I become more of who I am. I am less guarded, more real, more honest and more attuned to what is true for me in each moment. I am more loving and more accepting—of others and of myself. 

I am certainly less judgmental. I am more compassionate, more patient and deeply rooted into my heart. I feel more alive, energized and fulfilled.

As a leader I am more visible and often more vulnerable than anyone else in the room. I feel almost naked as I show up honestly transparent, open and defenseless while also holding space for everyone else.

Facilitating for others transforms me. I'm growing tremendously when I’m being present and available to others. It comes from the level of my engagement and attention. It’s a result of listening so deeply that it helps me comprehend what the other is feeling or going through. That profound understanding often transforms their experience, but it also begins to change me.

I lead and I follow, simultaneously. I facilitate and I grow at he same time. I am the teacher and I am also the student. I am the observer and the participant. I am giving and I am receiving, in equal measure. I am open to the flow of life and to the beauty of each moment, without placing any pre-conceived expectations or requirements, and without being attached to a specific outcome. I relax in the natural flow of each moment blending into the next.

I believe we are here to learn how to love.

Each time I lead a circle I am becoming better at loving. And each time I'm closer to my true nature. Each time I am more aligned with who I am.

 

resistance vs. allowing

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There is a big difference between pushing against what you don’t want (resistance) and going in the direction of what you do want (flow).

This is a vibrational universe. When you vibrate in positive ways, it causes you to be in harmony with your Eternal Self. There is no resistance. When you are in a state of no resistance, you allow solutions to flow to you.

You are either in a state of resistance or in a state of allowing. Your emotions will tell you where you are: they reflect the physical vibration that you hold.

When you feel negative emotions (fear, doubt, anger, guilt, loneliness, frustration) this means you are focused on something you do not want. You are in resistance. When you are angry, you are fighting something, you want to change something, you want to control something (or someone) who doesn’t behave as you wish…

Every time you are in a state of resistance, you are preventing the very thing you want.

When you are praising or appreciating something; when you are acknowledging the value of something; when you look for positive aspects; when you are smiling, laughing, applauding, appreciating; when you are feeling joy, health and well being—there is no resistance in you. In these moments you are in vibrational harmony with who you really are. You are in flow.

Deliberate creation is about focusing on something that allows you to be in alignment with who you really are even when you are in the midst of negative experiences!

When you are focused on the solution, you are a vibrational match to the solution.

You cannot focus on a problem and be a vibrational match to the solution. The key is to focus in a way that you are feeling positive emotion because this positive emotion is the indicator that you are holding a thought, which is not resisting. When you are not resisting, you are allowing the creating of what you want.

Resistance is the thoughts you are thinking that do not match the vibration of what you want. That’s why the thoughts feel negative to you—they don’t match who you are! So when you feel anger, fear, doubt—remember that they point to what you want, and look for it.

Ask yourself: are the thoughts I’m currently thinking (the words I am speaking or the actions I am taking) an aspect of resistance, or an aspect of allowing and going in the direction I prefer?

Make this a practice and you will begin to see positive changes in your life.

 

14 dating tips for women

 If you are like me, you’ve already been through a marriage or two, have experienced a few heartbreaks and relationship disappointments, and may find yourself hesitant to open up fully and risk getting hurt (again).

Recently I moved to a new state and separated from a man with whom I was compatible and whom I loved deeply. Long-distance relationship is not for me—I want real man’s attention, in real time.

Feeling lonely after the break up, I decided to try dating online. As I read through the profiles of the hundreds men who approached me, I began to notice common themes. Some have written extensive descriptions for the ladies, telling them what not to do. Others outlined clearly what is important for them. And then, there were the classic one-liners. As I kept reading, I noticed that underneath the seemingly surface requirements transpired deeper stuff.

Based on my latest interactions with men in search of a partner, and what I’ve learned in 15 years of researching and decoding men’s behavior, I am offering a few insights, which I trust can help women to understand men a bit more and approach dating differently.

I know it could be really frustrating to be out there—looking for love. It may feel like there’s lots of competition and players who may leave you feeling flawed, used and heartbroken. But I believe that with some inner work and a few adjustments, you too could have the amazing relationship that you desire and deserve.

 

My recent online experiences and observations lead me to believe that the big problem in today’s internet dating is that both men and women enter a dating site as if it’s a battle field—expecting an enemy to show up. Both seem shielded, armed, and ready to defend themselves.

Living in times of no defined roles, no clear rules,  and no firm boundaries, we seem to be afraid of each other and expect to get hurt.

But this is the worst thing we can do when looking for love and intimacy. Love and intimacy require showing up without armor. They require trust. They require openness.

Intimacy comes from taking emotional risks. But in today’s dating this seems difficult to do—because navigating online waters feels dangerous for most of us.

In the first part of this article I outlined a few dating tips for men. Here I offer some insights geared towards mature women dating online. Yet I believe they could really be of service to anyone.

 

1. Sex is not the only thing a man wants. Yes, it is high on his list (and perhaps on yours too), but today’s man wants more. Like you, he wants connection. Like you, he wants to feel safe. Like you, he wants a partner he can trust and rely on. Like you, he wants to be valued, respected and loved. Like you, he wants to feel special, desired and important. Like you, he wants to grow and contribute—and he is aware that it’s more fun, and more possible to do it with you. Like you, he wants to live to his full potential and show up at his best.

 

2. Help him to begin, and keep the conversation going. Most men feel quite vulnerable when they approach a woman they like. And most men have no clue how to do it.

Most men feel threatened when they have to reveal something about themselves. Men are trained to cover their traces—they are warriors or hunters. Understanding this can inspire you to be more creative and more compassionate when he attempts to begin a conversation.

Your job is to create emotional safety for him, just as he is creating safety for you by revealing who he is. Most men are helpless when it comes to conversations with women. Help him and he will be grateful for it. This will separate you from the rest and he will begin to open up to you in the way you’re longing for him to open up.

 

3. Have your boundaries in place. It’s easier to feel safe and make better choices when you know exactly what you want. Learn to say no without feeling guilty. Then your yes will be more real, too.

 

4. Select a man who is willing to make you happy. I know women who choose a man solely by height or age. Later on they may wonder why their more important needs are unmet in the relationship. I’m not an exception—I too want to be with a man who looks good. But I learned to choose what matters most to me. I now prioritize a man who shares my values and helps me fulfill my deepest human needs.

So don’t always go for chemistry at first glance. Allow yourself to be surprised. Go out with men who aren’t your type. Your type might be the very reason you are still on the dating sites.

 

5. Figure out why you want a relationship and why you want this man. You decide what you want a man for—to impress your girlfriends with his looks, or to experience real romance and feel cherished as you blossom into your full feminine glory under the gaze of an attentive man who is present for you. A man who is willing and able to make you happy. A man who loves you and values you for who you are.

Of course, creating this kind of connection requires some skills. You must reveal to him who you are in a way that is engaging and authentic. Authenticity is attractive.

 

6. Help him to relax and he will adore you for it. Notice and appreciate his efforts. Understand that this is not easy for him. Trust that he means well. Believe that he wants to make you happy. Show him how you like to be romanced. Appreciate what he provides for you.

 

7. Don’t judge him, inspire him. Inspire him to be his best Self and he will want to spend the rest of his life loving you.

 

8. Give him a chance. Give yourself a chance. Give love a chance. Because the reality is that if you spend enough time with him and you get to really know him, you will love him.

So choose a man who is willing to make you happy. Choose a man who is willing to grow with you. Choose a man who is willing to give to you—his attention, his presence, his affection, his understanding, his time, his words, his heart. Choose a man who will love and appreciate you as you are, for who you are.

This requires transparency and taking a risk or two. So call me if you want to learn the most effective ways to do this.

 

9. Make it a real life experience rather than a “safe” head trip. Take it out of the dating site as soon as possible and agree to meet him before you get too deep into correspondence that may easily lead to fantasies.

 

10. Listen to learn instead of listen to answer. Even if you don’t feel attracted to him, you can learn something from him. You can learn what it is that you don’t like. You can learn what triggers you. You can learn what you want in a relationship, and what you don’t want.

 

11. Show your appreciation. Thank him. Thank him for liking you in the first place. Thank him for taking the chance to meet with you. It is a big deal for him! Thank him for the time he spent with you, for the lessons, for the generosity of teaching you about you.

 

12. Make new choices. Choose to be open. Choose to be kind. Choose to be the woman in the relationship. Choose to allow him to be the man. Choose to look for what’s good about him, and not—what’s not enough for you. Choose kindness over perfection. Choose how you want to feel rather than how you look with him next to you.

 

13. Let go of the desire to control. Remain in the feminine and let him be the man. Let him approach you, make suggestions, plan your dates, and offer to nurture you. When you let him choose the places and dates, you will learn about him and who he is. Then you can decide if he is for you or not.

 

14. Find out what he really wants. You may think it’s sex. And that’s hopefully there. But behind his desire for sex, there is a deeper need—the need for human connection. The need to feel that he matters. The need to know that he is safe with you, that you have his back. And perhaps the even bigger need to access divine realms through you, with you. Because, you my dear, are the holly gateway to the Divine, and a man can only access it through you.

 

Some of the most common beliefs my women clients share tend to create unconscious barriers to attracting a great man and experiencing true love. My heart aches for all the men and women longing for love, for touch, for connection, for romance and deep intimacy, but get lost at sea—the sea of endless dating and chasing the illusion of perfection.

Think about how strong our need for love and connection is if we all jump into the infested waters of dating despite our fears of getting hurt.

Perfection is found when we say: “This is enough. I will give this person a chance. I will look at what’s right with this person, not what’s wrong.” Because when we share our life, and our true Self with another, we feel truly happy, more fulfilled and more alive. 

 

10 tips for men dating online

Last week I joined a dating site. I’m not beautiful. I’m not young. I did not post my most stunning photos. I did not sing praise to how amazingly accomplished I am. I did not list tons of interests and activities I enjoy. And yet, in the few hours that followed, over 500 men had expressed their desire to meet me.

I’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time. I was either in a relationship, or healing from it. I refused to join the internet dating madness. I believed that I will meet the man who belongs in my life without electronic interactions. And I did. But then I moved to a new city and I felt increasingly lonely and longing for a man’s presence in my life. So I decided to try a dating site.

There is much I am noticing about dating online.

The first thing I discovered was that so many men are hungry for woman’s attention, human warmth, intimacy and romance. I was surprised by the amount of men specifying that they are looking for a relationship, and not just dating.

The next shock was that men are interested in women over 40. The myth that there are no men in their 40s and 50s who are available and interested in a woman my age, evaporated within minutes of being on this site.

I also realized how clueless we all are in the art of connection, internet interaction and romance.

 

Inspired by my online experiences, I’ll share some tips for men:

1. Please introduce yourself when you approach a woman for the first time. Only two men out of the hundreds that contacted me stated their name, signed their note or said a few words about themselves. Women feel safe when you introduce yourselfand safety is important for a woman. Especially in this kind of forum.

 

2. Writing “hi beautiful” doesn’t work. There is not an easy way to respond to this, much less—to make a conversation out of it.

Meeting on a dating site leaves out the information that all of our senses could provide if we were to meet in personvoice, body language, the way we speak or look at each other, the ease with which we communicate. In other wordsthe exchange of live energy between us. In the digital dating world, a “hi” simply doesn’t cut it.

 

3. Make it easy for her to respond. What you want is a response from her. What she wants is a dialogue. Women love conversation. The easiest way to start a conversation is to be interested in her. Women love attention.

Show attention by asking her about something she cares about. This means that you must read her profile and notice a few things you can ask about. She probably left clues all over the placeto make it easy for you to pick up a conversation.

 

4. Be a good listener. What you call “her laundry list” is a simple way for her to show you what to talk about. She is testing you---to see if you’re paying attention. She doesn’t necessarily expect you to do these things with her. She hopes that you listen and that you are sensitive enough to pick up what matters to her and begin a conversation about it. So if she’s written: “I love yoga”, ask her about that!

She’d be impressed that you went beyond looking at her pictures and actually took the time to read what she says. This tells her that you are interested in who she is. She may conclude that you possess the most valuable skill for a successful relationshipthe ability to listen.

She leaves clues for the hunter in you, so pick them up and start following them. Give her a reason to choose you over all men that are after her!

 

5. Leave a hook. Usually that’s a question that’s easy for her to reply to. Keep the flow going. Your job is to begin. She will follow.

 

6. Provide safety for her by revealing something about yourself. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of this one. The more she gets to know youthe safer she will feel. I know that this might be uncomfortable for most men, but that creates safety for a woman.

She doesn’t know who you are and if she could trust you yet. Just like you don’t know if she’d reject you. You both take a risk: she risks her safety; you risk hearing “no”.

 

7. First dates. A coffee date seems to be the norm now. It’s sensiblesaving money and time by presenting an opportunity to reject each other in the course of 5 minutes. But it’s also boring. There is nothing memorable about it. It’s well known that attraction shows up more easily when you are taken out of your comfort zone and have the adrenaline pumping. 

You don’t have to bungee jump in order to create impact, but it’s proven that some of the greatest attraction happens when you share a special experience. Create it.

 

8. A date doesn’t have to be expensive in order to be memorable. Please use your imagination and offer something you really like doing. Then include her in it. Invite her for a walk, or a bike rideif you both like that. Meet her on the tennis court if she likes tennis. Show her a museum you like, where you can shine with your knowledge. She’ll be ignited by hearing you talk about something you are knowledgeable or passionate about.

When you choose a place to meet, think of what you like as well, and what would make you feel confident and happy. Meet her in a park. Walk the labyrinth downtown. See a historic building together. Meet at a bookstore if you like books. You’ll discover a lot about her just by observing what she’s drawn to. A book you encounter is a great way to strike a meaningful conversation and to get to know each other in a fun way.

What do you like and would enjoy, even if you aren’t attracted to her?

 

9. If you want to win with her, help her feel good about herself. If you can help her feel good about herself, chances are she’d reciprocate. A woman feels good when she is seen and heard. To do this—pay continuous attention to her, listen to what she has to say, and be fully present. And as time goes by and your connection deepens, she will trust you, respect you, love you, and choose you over every other man.

 

10. Don’t get caught in the not enough game. When you meet a woman who excites you, stop looking for more. See what’s good about what you have and start loving it. Enjoy her. Cherish her. Love her. Appreciate her. Call her your own.

Allow yourself to have, not just to search. Know when to stop looking for that illusive perfection. You might be surprised how easy it is to be happy when you say “this is enough”.

Notice when you get caught in the nets of the addiction of fishing for a better fish. Looking for the perfect woman can leave you lonely and unfulfilled. Because the real fulfillment comes from opening up to be understood and allowing yourself to love and to be loved.

When you share yourself with another (imperfect) human being, you will feel more alive, happier and more fulfilled—because you have shared your life, and your Self with another. Let her enter your life and your heart, even if she does not cover all your requirements for perfection.

See the article in The Elephant Journal HERE

See the article in The Good Men Project HERE.