14 dating tips for women

 If you are like me, you’ve already been through a marriage or two, have experienced a few heartbreaks and relationship disappointments, and may find yourself hesitant to open up fully and risk getting hurt (again).

Recently I moved to a new state and separated from a man with whom I was compatible and whom I loved deeply. Long-distance relationship is not for me—I want real man’s attention, in real time.

Feeling lonely after the break up, I decided to try dating online. As I read through the profiles of the hundreds men who approached me, I began to notice common themes. Some have written extensive descriptions for the ladies, telling them what not to do. Others outlined clearly what is important for them. And then, there were the classic one-liners. As I kept reading, I noticed that underneath the seemingly surface requirements transpired deeper stuff.

Based on my latest interactions with men in search of a partner, and what I’ve learned in 15 years of researching and decoding men’s behavior, I am offering a few insights, which I trust can help women to understand men a bit more and approach dating differently.

I know it could be really frustrating to be out there—looking for love. It may feel like there’s lots of competition and players who may leave you feeling used, heartbroken and flawed. But I believe that with some inner work and a few adjustments, you too could have the amazing relationship that you desire and deserve.

 

My recent online experiences and observations lead me to believe that the big problem in today’s internet dating is that both men and women enter a dating site as if it’s a battle field—expecting an enemy to show up. Both seem shielded, armed, and ready to defend themselves.

Living in times of no defined roles, no clear rules,  and no firm boundaries, we seem to be afraid of each other and expect to get hurt.

But this is the worst thing we can do when looking for love and intimacy. Love and intimacy require showing up without armor. They require trust. They require openness.

Intimacy comes from taking emotional risks. But in today’s dating this seems difficult to do—because navigating online waters feels dangerous for most of us.

In the first part of this article I outlined a few dating tips for men. Here I offer some insights geared towards mature women dating online. Yet I believe they could really be of service to anyone.

 

1. Sex is not the only thing a man wants. Yes, it is high on his list (and perhaps on yours too), but today’s man wants more. Like you, he wants connection. Like you, he wants to feel safe. Like you, he wants a partner he can trust and rely on. Like you, he wants to be valued, respected and loved. Like you, he wants to feel special, desired and important. Like you, he wants to grow and contribute—and he is aware that it’s more fun, and more possible to do it with you. Like you, he wants to live to his full potential and show up at his best.

 

2. Help him to begin, and keep the conversation going. Most men feel quite vulnerable when they approach a woman they like. And most men have no clue how to do it.

Most men feel threatened when they have to reveal something about themselves. Men are trained to cover their traces—they are warriors or hunters. Understanding this can inspire you to be more creative and more compassionate when he attempts to begin a conversation.

Your job is to create emotional safety for him, just as he is creating safety for you by revealing who he is. Most men are helpless when it comes to conversations with women. Help him and he will be grateful for it. This will separate you from the rest and he will begin to open up to you in the way you’re longing for him to open up.

 

3. Have your boundaries in place. It’s easier to feel safe and make better choices when you know exactly what you want. Learn to say no without feeling guilty. Then your yes will be more real, too.

 

4. Select a man who is willing to make you happy. I know women who choose a man solely by height or age. Later on they may wonder why their more important needs are unmet in the relationship. I’m not an exception—I too want to be with a man who looks good. But I learned to choose what matters most to me. I now prioritize a man who shares my values and helps me fulfill my deepest human needs.

So don’t always go for chemistry at first glance. Allow yourself to be surprised. Go out with men who aren’t your type. Your type might be the very reason you are still on the dating sites.

 

5. Figure out why you want a relationship and why you want this man. You decide what you want a man for—to impress your girlfriends with his looks, or to experience real romance and feel cherished as you blossom into your full feminine glory under the gaze of an attentive man who is present for you. A man who is willing and able to make you happy. A man who loves you and values you for who you are.

Of course, creating this kind of connection requires some skills. You must reveal to him who you are in a way that is engaging and authentic. Authenticity is attractive.

 

6. Help him to relax and he will adore you for it. Notice and appreciate his efforts. Understand that this is not easy for him. Trust that he means well. Believe that he wants to make you happy. Show him how you like to be romanced. Appreciate what he provides for you.

 

7. Don’t judge him, inspire him. Inspire him to be his best Self and he will want to spend the rest of his life loving you.

 

8. Give him a chance. Give yourself a chance. Give love a chance. Because the reality is that if you spend enough time with him and you get to really know him, you will love him.

So choose a man who is willing to make you happy. Choose a man who is willing to grow with you. Choose a man who is willing to give to you—his attention, his presence, his affection, his understanding, his time, his words, his heart. Choose a man who will love and appreciate you as you are, for who you are.

This requires transparency and taking a risk or two. So call me if you want to learn the most effective ways to do this.

 

9. Make it a real life experience rather than a “safe” head trip. Take it out of the dating site as soon as possible and agree to meet him before you get too deep into correspondence that may easily lead to fantasies.

 

10. Listen to learn instead of listen to answer. Even if you don’t feel attracted to him, you can learn something from him. You can learn what it is that you don’t like. You can learn what triggers you. You can learn what you want in a relationship, and what you don’t want.

 

11. Show your appreciation. Thank him. Thank him for liking you in the first place. Thank him for taking the chance to meet with you. It is a big deal for him! Thank him for the time he spent with you, for the lessons, for the generosity of teaching you about you.

 

12. Make new choices. Choose to be open. Choose to be kind. Choose to be the woman in the relationship. Choose to allow him to be the man. Choose to look for what’s good about him, and not—what’s not enough for you. Choose kindness over perfection. Choose how you want to feel rather than how you look with him next to you.

 

13. Let go of the desire to control. Remain in the feminine and let him be the man. Let him approach you, make suggestions, plan your dates, and offer to nurture you. When you let him choose the places and dates, you will learn about him and who he is. Then you can decide if he is for you or not.

 

14. Find out what he really wants. You may think it’s sex. And that’s hopefully there. But behind his desire for sex, there is a deeper need—the need for human connection. The need to feel that he matters. The need to know that he is safe with you, that you have his back. And perhaps the even bigger need to access divine realms through you, with you. Because, you my dear, are the holly gateway to the Divine, and a man can only access it through you.

 

Some of the most common beliefs my women clients share tend to create unconscious barriers to attracting a great man and experiencing true love. My heart aches for all the men and women longing for love, for touch, for connection, for romance and deep intimacy, but get lost at sea—the sea of endless dating and chasing the illusion of perfection.

Think about how strong our need for love and connection is if we all jump into the infested waters of dating despite our fears of getting hurt.

Perfection is found when we say: “This is enough. I will give this person a chance. I will look at what’s right with this person, not what’s wrong.” Because when we share our life, and our true Self with another, we feel truly happy, more fulfilled and more alive. 

 

10 tips for men dating online

Last week I joined a dating site. I’m not beautiful. I’m not young. I did not post my most stunning photos. I did not sing praise to how amazingly accomplished I am. I did not list tons of interests and activities I enjoy. And yet, in the few hours that followed, over 500 men had expressed their desire to meet me.

I’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time. I was either in a relationship, or healing from it. I refused to join the internet dating madness. I believed that I will meet the man who belongs in my life without electronic interactions. And I did. But then I moved to a new city and I felt increasingly lonely and longing for a man’s presence in my life. So I decided to try a dating site.

There is much I am noticing about dating online.

The first thing I discovered was that so many men are hungry for woman’s attention, human warmth, intimacy and romance. I was surprised by the amount of men specifying that they are looking for a relationship, and not just dating.

The next shock was that men are interested in women over 40. The myth that there are no men in their 40s and 50s who are available and interested in a woman my age, evaporated within minutes of being on this site.

I also realized how clueless we all are in the art of connection, internet interaction and romance.

 

Inspired by my online experiences, I’ll share some tips for men:

1. Please introduce yourself when you approach a woman for the first time. Only two men out of the hundreds that contacted me stated their name, signed their note or said a few words about themselves. Women feel safe when you introduce yourselfand safety is important for a woman. Especially in this kind of forum.

 

2. Writing “hi beautiful” doesn’t work. There is not an easy way to respond to this, much less—to make a conversation out of it.

Meeting on a dating site leaves out the information that all of our senses could provide if we were to meet in personvoice, body language, the way we speak or look at each other, the ease with which we communicate. In other wordsthe exchange of live energy between us. In the digital dating world, a “hi” simply doesn’t cut it.

 

3. Make it easy for her to respond. What you want is a response from her. What she wants is a dialogue. Women love conversation. The easiest way to start a conversation is to be interested in her. Women love attention.

Show attention by asking her about something she cares about. This means that you must read her profile and notice a few things you can ask about. She probably left clues all over the placeto make it easy for you to pick up a conversation.

 

4. Be a good listener. What you call “her laundry list” is a simple way for her to show you what to talk about. She is testing you---to see if you’re paying attention. She doesn’t necessarily expect you to do these things with her. She hopes that you listen and that you are sensitive enough to pick up what matters to her and begin a conversation about it. So if she’s written: “I love yoga”, ask her about that!

She’d be impressed that you went beyond looking at her pictures and actually took the time to read what she says. This tells her that you are interested in who she is. She may conclude that you possess the most valuable skill for a successful relationshipthe ability to listen.

She leaves clues for the hunter in you, so pick them up and start following them. Give her a reason to choose you over all men that are after her!

 

5. Leave a hook. Usually that’s a question that’s easy for her to reply to. Keep the flow going. Your job is to begin. She will follow.

 

6. Provide safety for her by revealing something about yourself. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of this one. The more she gets to know youthe safer she will feel. I know that this might be uncomfortable for most men, but that creates safety for a woman.

She doesn’t know who you are and if she could trust you yet. Just like you don’t know if she’d reject you. You both take a risk: she risks her safety; you risk hearing “no”.

 

7. First dates. A coffee date seems to be the norm now. It’s sensiblesaving money and time by presenting an opportunity to reject each other in the course of 5 minutes. But it’s also boring. There is nothing memorable about it. It’s well known that attraction shows up more easily when you are taken out of your comfort zone and have the adrenaline pumping. 

You don’t have to bungee jump in order to create impact, but it’s proven that some of the greatest attraction happens when you share a special experience. Create it.

 

8. A date doesn’t have to be expensive in order to be memorable. Please use your imagination and offer something you really like doing. Then include her in it. Invite her for a walk, or a bike rideif you both like that. Meet her on the tennis court if she likes tennis. Show her a museum you like, where you can shine with your knowledge. She’ll be ignited by hearing you talk about something you are knowledgeable or passionate about.

When you choose a place to meet, think of what you like as well, and what would make you feel confident and happy. Meet her in a park. Walk the labyrinth downtown. See a historic building together. Meet at a bookstore if you like books. You’ll discover a lot about her just by observing what she’s drawn to. A book you encounter is a great way to strike a meaningful conversation and to get to know each other in a fun way.

What do you like and would enjoy, even if you aren’t attracted to her?

 

9. If you want to win with her, help her feel good about herself. If you can help her feel good about herself, chances are she’d reciprocate. A woman feels good when she is seen and heard. To do this—pay continuous attention to her, listen to what she has to say, and be fully present. And as time goes by and your connection deepens, she will trust you, respect you, love you, and choose you over every other man.

 

10. Don’t get caught in the not enough game. When you meet a woman who excites you, stop looking for more. See what’s good about what you have and start loving it. Enjoy her. Cherish her. Love her. Appreciate her. Call her your own.

Allow yourself to have, not just to search. Know when to stop looking for that illusive perfection. You might be surprised how easy it is to be happy when you say “this is enough”.

Notice when you get caught in the nets of the addiction of fishing for a better fish. Looking for the perfect woman can leave you lonely and unfulfilled. Because the real fulfillment comes from opening up to be understood and allowing yourself to love and to be loved.

When you share yourself with another (imperfect) human being, you will feel more alive, happier and more fulfilled—because you have shared your life, and your Self with another. Let her enter your life and your heart, even if she does not cover all your requirements for perfection.

See the article in The Elephant Journal HERE

See the article in The Good Men Project HERE.

 

death's message

A talented collegue and long-time friend who is very dear to my heart has decided to leave this earth. I feel sad. I feel raw. I feel devastated. I also feel many other emotions.

But one thing that is louder than anything else is my desire to say to all of you, through the tears:

Please don’t wait for permission to love. Please don’t wait till later to share yourself. That later may never come… 

Perhaps that’s how Death is part of Life—not as an end, but as a reminder. A reminder to love NOW, to live NOW, to go out of our way and spend time with those we value and care about. To cherish THIS MOMENT. Because it might be our last… 

To share ourselves fully, fearlessly, feverishly, and without limiting ourselves. To tell those we love that we love them. To get emotionally and physically naked for those who are important to us. 

To dance until our muscles ache and our bones sing. To laugh until our belly hurts and our throat is dry. To remember that we are divine. To remember that we are alive. To remember that we are here to love. And that the time we have, might be as short as a heartbeat. 

Farewell, George. I'll miss you.

Quantum physics and the energetic field of Circling

Perhaps you’ve heard of quantum physics and how the behavior of matter and energy on a certain microscopic levels change when exposed to attention. You’ve heard that in the realm of quantum physics, observing something influences the physical processes that take place. You’ve heard that particles can act like light waves just because they are exposed to attention. Well, circling seems to have a similar effect: whatever we “put into the circle” tends to change and causes us to act differently. Putting a loving attention on a concern or emotion brought into the present seems to dissipate the issue, change its structure, eradicate the pain and heal deeply. When done well circling can be extremely transforming. I believe that any loving attention can heal. Multiplied by the group of people in the circle, this focused attention creates a powerful energy field in which issues seem to disappear or heal almost miraculously.  Real shifts in behavior follow up soon. With the right integration, new patterns are born.

During the yearlong training at The Circling Institute, Guy and Alexis teach in depth the different stages of facilitating circling.  These stages are almost scientifically organized, structured, practiced and explained. But it’s that mysterious energy field that seems to occur during circling that is not easy to describe.

Why in quantum physics the observed particles turn into light waves? Why do they change when they are noticed, seen and witnessed? Why do people’s structural beliefs and perceptions of themselves, of others or of certain events—past or present—change just as mysteriously when under magnified loving attention? Why does “being seen” lifts up pain, increases one’s sense of worthiness and gives birth to new beliefs that allow us to glance into a more accurate reality?

Is it possible that there is some kind of connection in this? Is it possible that circling reaches so deeply into the smallest particles inside us and shifts them from matter to light—thus showing us who we truly are?

Is it possible that the energy field produced in a circle is similar to a quantum resonance field?

 

True Power Comes From Presence

                                                                             image: David de la Mano

                                                                             image: David de la Mano

True power comes from being present. It comes from being authentic. It comes from feeling all your feelings, experiencing your emotions fully, and expressing authentically—without judging yourself.

This doesn’t mean that you shout at people when you feel angry. It doesn’t mean that you blame others for what happens to you. It doesn’t mean that you keep yourself in a position of a victim, just because you think this makes you right. It doesn’t mean you are entitled to complain and burden everyone around you with what you are unhappy about. It doesn’t mean you indulge in endless self-pity that keeps you powerless.

 

Let me make it clear:

anything that is not love is unauthentic. Period.

 

That includes your judgments (especially your judgments!)—of yourself and others. It also includes blaming others and feeling sorry for yourself.

 

Anything that puts you back into the Loving is what I call Authentic. Love is your Power.

 

Anything that keeps you in fear, prompts you to act defensively or keeps you stuck in negative emotions, is unauthentic.

Fear, anger, shame, desire to control, blame, judgments (especially judgments!) are just some of the gooey stuff that have layered themselves over the essence of who you are. These are the shields that keep you imprisoned, under the pretext of keeping you safe. You might think that they protect you from getting hurt, but in reality, they hold you back from coming out, and stepping into your power.

What I want for each one of you is to scrub yourself clean and show up as you truly are. I want you to shine as brightly as possible. Now.

 

after the circling immersion weekend

As many of you know, we just finished another 2 ½-day Circling Immersion. This weekend we had one couple, a few amazing men, and a bunch of extraordinary women. By the end of Sunday, we witnessed visible shifts, the birth of new perspectives, and the possibilities for new ways of being and communicating.

 

We all experienced deeper understanding of ourselves and each other, and feeling closer to one another. We began as strangers and ended up as close friends. As we discovered so much in common, we stopped feeling isolated and alone in our pain, creating space for hope, comfort and joy, and finding answers.

 

I feel grateful for the privilege to do this sacred work and to guide people to places of deeper understanding, transformation and love.

 

To all of you who dedicated this weekend to growing, sharing and learning new relational skills – thank you!

 

This weekend wouldn’t have been possible without you and your willingness to show up for yourself, so you can enjoy better relationships, have more understanding in your life and see things differently – through lenses more accurate than those of your upbringing, or your current worries and fears…

 

I bow to your courage, to your strength, to your desire to be the best version of yourself, and to your willingness to create a happier life.

Because the biggest gift we can give to others is to be happy. 

 

why you need a relationship coach

A relationship coach provides experienced, educated views and guidance on relationships of all types—dating, family and business.

A relationship coach helps clients learn how to start great new relationships, save the ones headed for disaster, and make the good ones even more enjoyable.

You can benefit from working with a relationship coach and experience positive outcomes if:

You want to make improvements in your life and you realize that they begin with the structure and quality of your relationships. A coach will help you push beyond your comfort zone and explore new ways to relate successfully in all areas of your life.

You believe that your relationship is worth saving, even if it seems really challenging at times.

You know that harmonious relationships are the foundation for a happy life. And a happy life is worth the cost of a few coaching sessions.

You want to let go of your old baggage. A coach can help you release the past and prepare for a happier future.

You are searching for true love in your life. A coach can help you navigate through the dating waters with more ease and help you make more self-supportive choices.

You want to learn what to say and how to act on a date. A coach will teach you this, and in time will help you take the step from dating to committed relationship.

You want to become more assertive within the framework of your personal and business relationships. A coach can help you build your confidence, establish boundaries and take risks that pay off.

You are aware that successful business relationships are the foundation for a rewarding career. A relationship coach can help you strengthen this foundation.

You have been the victim of a toxic relationship. A coach will guide you towards emotional healing and making better choices, while supporting you in your desire to begin again.

You want to be real and relate in authentic way, so your self-confidence grows and your relationships with others are more fulfilling. A coach will show you how to communicate in a way that you feel heard, appreciated and valued.

You want to improve your financial situation. A coach can help you detect limiting beliefs that prevent you from living in abundance. A coach can teach you to improve your relationship with money.

You want to live inspired life and achieve more with less effort. A coach can teach you how to work smarter, not harder.

A good coach has the skills, the knowledge, and the training to help you.

Your coach can be your guide, your handbook and your manual for success. 

 

Acceptance

 

The reason more of us are not spiritually aware people is that we often don't or won't accept what is happening. Acceptance is a flow of consciousness that continually moves on to the next thing.

So accept whatever comes your way, and don't grumble against anything that happens to you. If it happens, it happens. Go on about your business. Keep flowing. You cannot control circumstances from the outside, so instead of resisting pain or failure and defending against it, you can embrace and encompass your pain and your failures, fully accepting them so that they become part of you.

You then can let them go because they are part of your inner environment -- they are within your domain - and the loving of your Soul can dissolve them.

~John Roger
(From: Timeless Wisdoms, Vol. One, p. 107-108)

loneliness

Loneliness is part of human experience. Most of us avoid it by filling up time with excessive work, going out, sex, drinking, Facebook, Netflix, doing, eating and other addictions.

In short—we avoid feeling lonely by keeping ourselves busy.

I personally believe that loneliness, like most things that are present in our lives, is here to guide us. Loneliness points to our need to connect—with ourselves, with our loving, with other people, and with the Divine.

I’ve felt lonely when surrounded by hundreds of people.

I’ve felt lonely in a marriage, in relationships, or with lovers who were not fully present for me.

And I’ve also felt lonely when by myself—longing for love, for human touch, for attention, for intimacy, for closeness, for sharing.

Loneliness is the longing for love, the desire to connect—perhaps with ourselves. 

As one of my teachers insists: If you feel like you miss something, it’s probably YOU.

without internet

Evening. I have just finished the last coaching sessions for the day and I feel complete, useful and deeply fulfilled. I’m in my new home in D.C. I do not have internet yet. And this means that the usual things I do to unwind in some evenings, after finishing work, are not available to me.

Watching a movie. Catching up on Facebook. Reading an interesting article online. Or fussing with my website and creating the newest program for my clients.

No internet. I feel a gap. An interruption of my habits. A hole in the comforts I reach out to, in order to relax.

No internet. Instead, I feel. I feel the feelings that are here.

I feel the absence of my lover. I feel my longing to be with him, to hear him talk to me, or make me laugh. I feel the newness of my surroundings and the new pace of my life.  I feel the fears in my heart. I feel the sadness of the loss and the anxiety caused by not knowing what’s next.

I feel. Deeply. And I cry. I cry for what’s no longer here. I cry for what is now in the past. I cry, and I feel the relief that comes with the tears.

With no internet to mask the sadness or conceal the feeling of being alone, I am forced to feel the birth of the new beginning.