the gifts of death

I've met Death before. Several times.

The first time I was terrified. I was afraid that I’ll die without having lived life as I wished to live it. Until then I’ve lived by somebody else’s rules—parents, husbands, government structures, or my young son. Taking care of others has become my priority, and I have forgotten to let myself live my life… 

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Glancing at Death helped me make a new decision—to live fully before I died. I realized that life is about pleasure, beauty and joy. I decided that it’s time to have fun and live life like I always wanted to, but never did. I decided to enjoy life, invest in myself and unfold all my talents. I decided to leave something beautiful behind, and to shine

I knew that one of my life’s lessons was to learn to depend fully on myself. I left my wealthy but boring husband with whom I have ceased to have sex. I chose an attractive, exciting and attentive man for a lover. I took a large apartment on the Upper West Side in Manhattan, rented a slick artist studio overlooking Times Square, and resolved to live my life as a free spirit and a full-time artist. 

I got divorced. I was clear that I will never marry again. 

Having spent the teenage phase of my life with adult’s responsibilities, I now threw myself in parties and painting. I hanged out with artists-friends and explored the exciting life of a visual artist in Manhattan in the 90's. It was a carefree, exciting life of glamour, creative frenzy and big hopes that seemed realistic for all.

I spent money freely and it came just as easily to me. I was promised two years of life, so money was not something to worry about—there was plenty for a lifespan of two years. I was making art that I loved, and I indulged the exhilarating promises for success.

It was a dream come true: I shined at gallery openings, museum galas, film premiers, elegant opera performances and odd seedy underground things I didn’t have words for. I enjoyed my fascinating friends, constant male attention and women’s admiration. 

Nine years later Death came at my door for a second time.

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By now I had achieved some artistic success, exhibited my art around the world, received some prestigious awards, made influential friends, got another masters’ degree, and fell hard for a man who refused to be loved. 

Making art became a tool for my healing. I traveled a lot. New York had lost its charm for me. I lived in South East Asia for few years—looking for meaning, sacred knowledge and the eternal truths. I wanted to know the Universe and to understand the deepest layers of human psyche and soul.

I meditated for hours, danced sacred dances, and twisted my body in impossible yoga positions—in search of my own divinity.. I prayed in countless temples and walked through the holiest of places, in hope to heal my heart.

I met amazing teachers who provided wise answers and initiated me in ancient healing arts. I’ve learned to connect with myself and the Divine. I also learned that there’s nothing more precious than Love. Yet, I suffered greatly because I didn’t feel loved. 

Meeting Death for the second time was a humbling experience. As I was sitting in the midst of paralyzing fear, I suddenly understood the true nature of Love! My heart cracked open and tears of gratitude and love streamed down my face and neck. And right then and there—all alone after a scary biopsy, I realized that when I feel love, I have it. And when I withhold it, I don’t… 

This was the second gift of Death: to feel loved I simply need to let myself love!

And that night, under the gaze of Death, I had an extraordinary experience of love! I was to meet with the man who didn’t love me the way I wanted him to love. That night I loved him without expecting anything from him. I loved for the sake of love. I loved just because I can…

I have discovered the recipe for the deepest inner peace!

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Today I glimpsed at Death again.

This time I am not afraid. This time Death smiles through the mist of a prolonged but ordinary flu. Thoughts and memories of men from the past have visited me between feverish sleep and fits of breath-stopping cough. I suspect that that this flu is here to help me let go of whatever judgments I still hold about men.

I suspect it is here to unleash the hidden tears that might have been stuck in my throat and chest; to release and purify my soul, and deepen my authentic expression. I suspect it is here to help me take back the authority over my worthiness and to stop proving that I’m good enough.

This time the invitation is to forgive myself and all the men I perceived as hurting me. To forgive myself for staying too long in traps I mistakenly took for love. 

To forgive myself for trying to prove that I deserve to be loved. To forgive myself that I gave to others the authority to decide whether I’m worthy of love. 

It’s not an accident that Death appears to me again on Forgiveness Day, the holy day which in my country is dedicated to chasing away the darkness of fruitless winter and preparing for new growth.


knowledge is power

Love and connection are core human needs – something we all need in order to lead a fulfilled life. Many people leave their relationships up to fate or chance – but you can take control of your destiny when it comes to love. 

The Authentic Dating for Women is the first step in learning what you want and need from a relationship, how to get it, and how to communicate and interact with your partner and keep your love alive long after the initial spark.

I believe that creating a great relationship takes dedication and learning new ways of being with one another. Knowledge is power. New skills and awareness bring the results we desire. Conscious relationships are more satisfying and are easier to maintain—because we have already done most of the work!

Most of us want to experience joy and happiness. I believe that happiness comes from a sense of aliveness and meaning in our lives. Most often we find this meaning in interaction with other people—people we love.

Nothing is more powerful than to feel that your life matters because you have touched another person’s soul; that you have someone you care for; someone you passionately love… and to feel love and passion coming back to you.

I believe that this is something we create!

True love and happy relationships are created by two people who are prepared, and really ready to love.

Authentic Dating for Women is the next step towards getting ready for the best relationship of your life. 

Make this step today!

emotional housecleaning

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These have been a few weeks of profound and disturbing emotional cleaning. I am getting current with myself—as my favorite lover puts it. I call it Updating the Files. Letting go of what doesn’t fit me. Taking care of what does. Re-organizing my life’s closets and storage rooms. Clarifying what I still need to keep and nurture, and what has passed its due date…

Knowing which relationships are stuck in dead ends, or going in circles, and finding the fastest way out. Taking chances with others—the ones that promise opportunities to grow, expand, evolve beyond my current spiritual level, open my heart to love even more, and learn a few new things about Life, others and myself…

Blessed and sacred few weeks of purifying emotional housecleaning!

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the problem with men–women relationships

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There is a lot of emotion around the area of our lives that we call relationships. Because whenever we enter into a relationship we come face-to-face with our deepest fears.

Our partners are the most vivid mirrors life offers. Relationships reflect back to us our conditioning, our driving needs and our belief systems. 

That’s why the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.

The problem with men–women relationships today is that we are treating each other as enemies. Ghosting, unkindness and disrespect continuously cause damage. 

Both—men and women are lonely—starved for touch, affection, genuine connection and appreciation. Both are longing for respect, acceptance and to belong. Many men and women today are hurt, suspicious and quick to grab the weapons of anger, blame and emotional withdrawal. They rush to reject before being rejected. 

As a result, we are often out of alignment with our core nature—most men are taking instead of providing; many women are attacking in defense. Nobody wins.

The truth is that we need each other. But sadly, we no longer know how to be together in supportive and harmonious ways…

With the intention to remedy this, Rachel Castagne and I have created a live online course for women that aims to restore respect, personal dignity and more harmonious interactions when it comes to dating, relating and romance. 

In this course we introduce ways that reverse the damaging dynamics in which men and women are often habitually engaged.

Authentic Dating for Women begins on March 9th 4-6 pm EST and will continue for 3 full months. It is packed with valuable information that helps women to understand men, heal past pain and acquire practical tools for new ways to engage with a man and enchant him. 

The places are limited and fill up fast. So sign up now!

You’ll be glad you did.

MORE INFO HERE.

💥who else wants to feel freedom in life?💥

I realize that some of you don’t know me and this crazy journey of my life…so here’s a little background…see if you can relate to some of it!

I grew up in Bulgaria, being the “good girl”, doing what I thought I “should” do—go to college, get a good job, work hard, get married and be happy. 

I went to college, got the dream job…a really great job in the theater, with added gigs in television and the film industry. I had great friends and a good husband who loved me. We gave life to a beautiful baby boy.

Travelling from gig to gig with the baby in the back of the car and doing what I loved was thrilling. I was in my 20s and happy—making tons of money, doing interesting things, traveling and feeling so successful.

But…I wanted more. Professionally, I have quickly reached the glass ceiling and it seemed that there was very little room for me to grow. So I immigrated to the USA, in search of a bigger dream, more creative freedom and challenges that help me grow. 

I was surprised and disappointed to find out that theater here wasn’t as fulfilling career as I hoped it’d be. After walking the city with a giant portfolio in hand for few months and meeting key theater people, I landed a couple of promising gigs. They weren’t satisfying. The agent I saw told me that I needed to wait good 10 years before I can establish myself. Recently divorced and with a small child to take care of, volunteering jobs weren’t an option. 

I decided to shift to more profitable career and I ended up painting murals for large public spaces and fancy hotels. This was the time when mural paintings were in fashion in the States. I started working for a well known mural company, then got in business of my own. Soon I began to make tons of money. Five-figure fees for a single project that I could complete in a few weeks felt AMAZING! 

3 years into that career I was burned out, wasn’t fulfilled and I knew there was something else for me. So naturally, I stayed another 3 years. 🤷‍♀️😂😂

Meanwhile I got married again and began my third career as a fine art studio artist. What this means is that I spent my days in my studio, painting pretty paintings without looking for anyone’s approval. There was no paycheck either.

So I pressed on, creating a vast body of work that I could show to galleries and find representation. My dream was to have gallery exhibitions and consistent income from sold paintings. 

Fast forward and I was in my new art studio overlooking Times Square from the 16th floor of a fabulous Manhattan building! 

My taste was expensive. My profession was expensive. My lifestyle was expensive. Living in Manhattan and maintaining an art studio in addition to already extravagant living space, eventually became more difficult than I cared for.

I needed a backup plan. 

For months I soul-searched deep inside. 

I asked myself: What is my purpose? What will I enjoy doing for the rest of my life?  What qualities do I already have that I can utilize or develop further, in order to create a career that’s fulfilling for me? What does my soul want? What am I made for? Am I already on my Soul’s path, being an artist? Or is there something else for me? Something more impactful and rewarding?

Thank GOD, I ended up in Los Angeles, got my Masters’ Degree in Spiritual Psychology, and I knew NOW that there was something else for me. I was clear now that my purpose was bigger than what I was living.

Despite the glossy art openings, fancy exhibitions in galleries around the world and the large sums of money that came every now and then in exchange for my paintings, I wasn’t feeling fulfilled. I wasn’t feeling aligned. I wasn’t feeling happy. 

I loved the creative process, but I hated the rest. 

Outside the studio, the games of superficiality ruled. There was an image to be built, preserved and sustained. There were rules to be followed and strings to be pulled. There were masks to be worn and fake smiles to be smiled. There were words to be minced and connections to be made. There were “friendships” to be maintained. And there were so many rules and so little room for the expression of the Real Me… 

Living as an artist was becoming increasingly unsatisfying for me. The closer to the top I was, the more I had to pretend to be someone I was not. I have reached the biggest success I could possibly have as an artist, but something important in me was dying. I needed to preserve it and take care of it...

In 2012 I finally walked away from my art career, not knowing how to create what was next—a successful career as a life coach. I just knew I needed to contribute in more significant ways. I knew that I can make a bigger difference. And I was determined to show up fully for it. 

Taking that leap of faith changed everything for me.

I’ll tell you more of this journey later, but fast forward to today, 7 years later, and I am living my purpose 100% — supporting myself and my clients in continuing to experience more FREEDOM in their life and expression, encouraging people like you to stop playing small and live in their fullness. 

It is my greatest gift to be a coach and to support and witness my clients in their transformations.
🌟
So what about you? What in my journey resonates with you? Let’s dish. 

what does it mean to live in a higher vibration? 

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In my current process of growth and evolving I am focused on shifting my emotional states and living from a higher vibration. So I’ll be posting a few blogs on what it means to live in a higher vibration, how to attain it, and most importantly — how to maintain it.

So, how do you know when you live in a higher vibration? Here are just a few signs:

You live with ease. 

Your life is full of goals, dreams, authenticity. 

You have the ability to attract everything you desire. 

Everything is happening quickly. 

You don’t take things personally. 

You observe and allow.

You learn to relax and to let go of control. 

You can shift negative to positive. Quickly.

You liberate yourself from limiting believes. 

You replace the outdated beliefs with new, positive ones.

You feel good about yourself and the world.

authentic relating

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I’m not interested in fixing people.

But I love helping them discover, or recover, the pathways that lead them to becoming what they want to be—both as individuals and in relationship.

The experiences in yesterday’s group re-charged me and revived my passion for the work I’m doing.

Because there was an odd number of participants, I had to lead and participate at the same time. That always makes it more challenging for me, but as I got engaged I began to also enjoy it. The energy in the room felt compact and safe, somehow united—despite the challenging topic I have introduced. 

As we went deeper into the process, the men in the room began to reveal deeply insightful things that every woman would like to know. Something in me stood in quiet awe of the sacredness of each moment. After all, it’s not every day that men reveal so openly what’s important for them, what they like about women, what they believe about themselves, intimacy and relationships.

This was a beautiful group of brave men and women who had the courage to look inside and share insights with each other.

Towards the end of the event, one man eagerly shared: “I realize that here I’m saying things that I haven’t shared with any of the women I have been intimate with.  I am going to change this. I wonder what it would be like to actually have conversations like this with someone I care about.”

I feel grateful for all who showed up yesterday and dared to look inside and express so genuinely—thus giving permission to all of us to be more real, more connected, more aware.

I feel honored that they trusted me, and the process. There is something really heart-warming for me to witness men willing to grow, able to put their defenses down and show up as they are—amazing beings having a human experience.

 

if

If you don’t set up boundaries, you may start making space for yourself by cutting off from your feelings and distancing yourself emotionally.

If you don’t ask for what you want, you will certainly not get it.

Your relationship will only grow if you continuously take risks with each other. Risking being vulnerable is the most empowering thing you can do.

love

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Love may look like many things to many people. 

It may look like patience when you allow things to unfold the way they want to unfold.

It may look like tolerance and acceptance when you let people be what they need to be – even if you don't think it's terrific. 

Love may also look like being good to yourself and knowing that you are doing your very best.

It may be in serving someone without expecting recognition or gain.

It may be in simply living your life in honesty and integrity, and keeping your agreements with yourself and others.

And, of course, love can also come in many other forms and expressions.

So simply start by being in the loving and then let your expression and behavior come from that.

be yourself

You may have heard the saying “Be yourself”.

“But how do I do this?” - you may wonder, just as I did, for years. The invitation sounded vaguely alluring to me. I could sense that it must be beneficial in some way, but I had no idea what it really meant to be me, how to accomplish it, or where to even begin…Today, as a therapist and relationship coach, I know that a good place to begin is to find out what is true for you. What is true about you. And what it is that you need, desire and long for.

Once you know that, you can learn how to express it—so you and those around you feel safe, heard and understood.

 

This is the focus of The Art of Truth weekend training.

For many of us truth might be buried under layers of other people’s truth, social norms and expectations to accommodate or please others.  It might be difficult to express what we really feel or think—out of fear of disapproval and rejection.

If you’d like to discover what is your truth, so you can learn how to get what you need and want, feel good about yourself, trust yourself more and create more intimate connections with those you love, this weekend is for you.